Wise words...but how true are they?

"Looks aren't everything..."

Some positive thoughts...please...

Hello...
Here I am as usual in the middle of the night...really tired but still dumb enough to still be up and sitting here in front of this thingie...well..I have so much things to think of that I can't go to sleep anyway...
I have just finished writing a letter to a good friend of mine...and the thing is that I really like this person but I will most likely never meet him...for he lives on the other side of the great pond...and that can sometimes be really hard...because every time I talk to him he makes me feel good...and we can talk about pretty much everything...and feeling good is a feeling that I think everyone wants to have...
Lately have my life not been so great so a little light in my darkness doesn't hurt...why is it that all good things are so hard to get? I'm starting to think that perhaps I do live in the wrong country...nothing seems to go my way here...so perhaps I should pack my bags and try somewhere else...hmm...
Anyway...everyone that reads this...all 2 of you... =) can you please keep your fingers crossed for me on Tuesday...beacuse you see...I have a job interview then and I really really need this job...or any job for that matter...I need the money...so please...just keep your fingers crossed and send me a positive thought that's all I ask of you...and I'll promise I'll return the favour...just tell me when....ok...is it a deal? (I see nods...) ok then...thank you.... =)

I have to go now I think....I need my beauty sleep...and I'm not kidding on this one...I really really do need it... hahahaha....I swear.... =)

Gonatt sleep tight...and don't let the bed bugs bite...

Wise words from the wonderful world of movies...

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times...if one only remembers to turn on the light..."

Times are changing yet another time...

Hello again....yep it's time for another change now...but it's not easy to not bury down in self-pitying crap...but I'll try...I'll try to give this blog another outlook...or something like that anyway...I can't promise anything though...but I can try... =)
So... if this is the first post you're reading here then there is no need for you to read any older posts...the're not so fun...they're just old thoughts and feelings...you know stuff that went on months ago...I'm not the same person anymore so...just stay with me from now on and into the future...=) hahaha...sounds really sci-fi...hahahaha...so anyway....

Let's start this new era with the saying: Life sucks...it really sucks!!
That's how I feel right now...since everything seems to go against me... =(

Anyway...I haven't really decided yet what I should put in this blog...I have a friend that have a really nice and funny (at least sometimes) blog and I'd like my blog to be like hers but then again that's not me so that's no good if it was...hmm...but if you want to check it out here's the link or links actually...she have 2 of them...they are rather similar but one is in Swedish and one in English...just like me...I have a Swedish blog as well as this English one... =)
Links to my friend's blogs: http://sexxymami.blogspot.com/ and metrobloggen.se/sexxymami
And then I have my sister that have a nice and fun blog as well...always seems to have topics to write about and that are interesting enough...and then there is me...and all I can do is whine and whine...hahahaha....what a sucker I am....oh well...I guess that's me then...hahaha...I guess we'll just have to wait and see what will come...
Until then I do wish you guys have a lot more fun than I seem to have....

bye bye and take care....

I'm bored...

Ooh how I long for taking a trip somewhere...seeing something new...meeting new people and do something new and fun...but how can I when I don't have any money? *sigh* "Oh just get a job!" everyone tells me....yes I can do that but then I won't have the time to travel because then I have to work...so...how ever I turn my ass is back...*sigh*...oh well...I hope I can figure something out soon...or actually I do have a plan...a rather good plan actually...I just need some clever bankclerk to realise that...so I'll give them a try....hopefully will it end well...but most likely it wont... =( ...like always then so...what else is new?
I hope your lives is better than mine...or perhaps I don't...I want to have the better life for once...sorry folks....but that's just the way it is...for once it can be my turn to be happy and enjoy life...just like so many of you do...ok...deal? Ok, great....now it's my turn...let just see what next week will bring me so... =)

Carpe Diem!

och till lilla gubben...jo jag tycker fortfarande om dig men har nog insett att jag nog e för bra för dig...så håll du till godo med vad du önskade...så får du se hur länge det håller... what goes around comes around... ha det bra!

Wise words from the world of literature...

"Our memories makes us what we are.
We can not run away from our past.
The only thing we can do is to use our experiences
to create a better future..."

Life sucks...

Hello...so can anyone tell me...why do life suck from time to time? Why can't my life be happy and filled with fun things and most of all...love...no it has to suck all the time and honestly it's rather exhausting actually...to everyday go around and feel that you are not good enough...not worthy enough to have a normal life...*sigh*...I just want to find something meaningful to do and find some meaning to my life...feel that I too contribute with something to the world...right now I don't feel that...right now I just feel that everything is going against me...and no one single person cares...and why should they? They have enough caring about their own life...I understand that...but sometimes it would be nice to have someone care about me too...

So true

"You want big rewards...you got to take big risks..."

True things heard on TV...

"Big girls need love too..."

And life goes on...unfortunately

Ok…so another day have passed…and I’m still all alone…oh well…I have been alone for rather many years now so actually it’s nothing new really…although if you get a taste of togetherness and then have it taken away from you…it kinda hurt some and you feel like you’re back on square one again…even though it’s not so…you’re still on the same square just little bit lonelier than before…
Anyway…today I called Him…but I send him an sms before and asked if it was ok to call him…aren’t I considerate so say? …no, I’m stupid that’s what I am…but hey someone has to be that too…:) anyway…I asked him if he didn’t want to spend a little time with me soon…I mean we are suppose to be friends so…I know I know…that might not be such a good idea…but you know what…I miss him…I really do miss him…I miss talking to him…I miss knowing he’s there…I miss getting his sms…and the hardest part is to accept that that will never happen again…and that makes me miss him even more…
So… I might be a little stupid…but right now…I think I’m going to be that…you’ll learn from your mistakes they say…and I really do hope that it will be a good lesson too…I need to come out of this much wiser than I was when I entered…and hopefully I will…but I still want him to spend time with me…I want him to wanting to spend time with me…I want him to miss me…and that is even harder…because I’m sure of that he’s not doing that… :(…I even wonder if I ever cross his mind…I’m not so sure about that either…
Ok…so we weren’t together for that long…but still long enough to make an impression…or so I hoped that I had…my friends always says that I make an impression the first time one meets me…one will remember me they say…and actually I think there is some truth to it…but…perhaps this time I failed…it didn’t last and I’m fading away…sad but true…so that’s why I need to hold on to that last straw of grass…so that I will be there…I the corner of his eye…always reminding him…and just be his friend…a really good friend…I’m the best friend there is…hahaha…yup that’s me…the constant friend…always a friend never a girlfriend…

Oh well…time to hit the sack…so to everyone that have someone…hold on to them…because you never know when a little bitchy ex will come and ruin your chances…
Bye now…

Och till dig lilla gubben…ja för för mig är du fortfarande lilla gubben…massor av kramar i natten…

Thinkable things heard on TV

"There is no sin in taking comfort in another lonely soul...if you wish..."

A new day...

OK…so yesterday (read Saturday) I did something unusual…but afterwards if felt really good…even though just before I did it, I felt ill and a pain in my stomach…but I did it and I’m glad I did…I went to visit His parents…all by myself…I know what you’re thinking…why on earth would you do such a thing? What’s the point? …well there is no point really except for the fact that I really like his parents…and they seem to like me too…anyway I spent 3 hours there eating apple pie (that I had brought…I had even made it myself…) and just talking about everything and nothing and a little bit about Him…they too thought it was sad that things didn’t work out…as I am…but hey…life goes on…and it did…last night (read Saturday night) actually…
I went out again…for the sixth time in the last 5 weeks…and I had so much fun…I met all kinds of people and I talked to them too…I probably flirted a little with some and a lot with others…hahahaha…but my God how many good-looking guys there are out there… :D …I want to go out again…and I will soon…suddenly I feel like 20 again partying all the time…but actually it’s not so much the partying as it is the social part of it all…the meeting new people and talking to them and just having fun with them…and then if the evening ends in a particular nice way…so what? I’m adult…I can do whatever I want…I am my own boss…there is no one who can tell me what to do… :) …that’s what being an adult is all about…you got to decide for yourself and it feels wonderful to do so…so life goes on…that just how it is…you can feel like you have the world upon your shoulders…but tomorrow…how ever you twist and turn…will still be another day…a new day…full of fresh beginnings…so carpe diem…that’s what I’m going to do…

Good night!

Massor av kramar till lilla gubben dock…

Wednesday

So…yesterday I had a talk with Him…even if he felt that we had nothing to talk about I felt that I had a lot that I needed to say…and I did…and afterwards it actually felt a lot better. So now we have agreed to be friends…how can you be friends with him? Some might think…not just because the way he broke up with you but because you have feelings for him…well…I feel that I have a lot more to gain in being friends with him than I have if I never talked to him ever again…and yes it’s true…I do have some feelings for him…but since he, obviously, don’t like me the same way…what can I do? I can’t very well force myself upon him, right? I want someone to like me for me and if they don’t I can’t do so much about it…I can however be friends with him and make him see what a big mistake he made when he let me go… :) and that is true because he did…I’m the best thing that could ever happened to him…and a hell of lot better than that bitch of an ex of his…he’s just too blind to see that…and too whipped by the ex to break free…even though that’s exactly what he needs to do…

So…now life goes on…and I have to move on…which probably is the harder thing to do…I mean life do go on whether you like it or not…that’s just how it is…but then you have to pull yourself together and move along with it…and do something…forget about all the stupid people who doesn’t know a good thing even when it’s standing right in front of them…and just focus on yourself…and do things that will make you happy…
At least that’s what I’m planning on doing…I’m going to start doing weird things…things that’s not normal for me to do…and things other people think that you can’t do…those are the things I shall do…
And you know why?
…just because I can… :)

I hope you’ll have a great day…mine was so and so…but it’s ok...I’m still hanging in there so… :)

So to my friend…massor av kramar på dig lilla gubben…

Hindsight

"So, now it’s over
It’s really over
But we’re still friends

Someday he’ll wake up
And suddenly realise
What a mistake he have made

And then he will wonder
How he can fix it?
But it might and
Probably will be
Too late

I wonder how he will feel then
Perhaps a little bit like I do now
A bit sad and lost and alone
And having the feeling of nothingness

And with the knowing that it could have been
So much more…"

Open your eyes and see

"Why do people choose things that are bad for them?
Why can’t they see that life is too short to not
Take a chance every now and then?
Why do people stay with the familiar even though
It hurts them?
Why are some people so blind?"

It hurts like hell...

Why does it hurt so? It shouldn't but it does...why does one want someone that clearly doesn't want one back? Isn't that the story of my life...always wanting what I can't have...? Although this time I really didn't do anything wrong...I was just being the usual nice and friendly and caring me and still everything went wrong...and I have no clue on why... :( ...I didn't do anything....I swear...I just thought I was happy...that I finally had found someone special to share my life with...but apparently I couldn't be more wrong... :( oh well life as I know it....just sucks!!!!!

Why do you have to be in my thoughts?? Why? When I honestly want you to go away!! But I still think of you every other moment every day...puss på dig J...

Why?

"You think you have it all and you’re happy
And then suddenly everything is taken away from you
And leave you standing there alone
Wondering what really happened?

I was so glad
I thought that I for once
Had found something special
Just to have it
Taken away from me

How can that
In any book
Be fair?"

Monday, what a sad day...

So...monday night and I'm all alone...earlier today came the first sms from Him saying that he wanted to come over to get his keys to his apartment...just his bad luck then that I wasn't home... :) hahaha

I had a really nice time out last Saturday...eventhough I might have gotten a little bit too drunk...but it went fine anyway...so that I must do again...ok...not the too-much-drinking part though but the going out to a club part and meeting new people...my goal to getting so drunk that I wouldn't think of Him...kind of worked...but then the aftermath came and yesterday I didn't feel so good for many reasons actually...

Life really sucks now...everything sucks....nothing is fun anymore and there is nothing to look forward too either...I don't know what to do really...
Why can't it be my turn to be happy? But oh no...that would be a really stupid idea...*sigh*... I think I stand by that...love is just overrated...it doesn't really exist...it's just some sort of mass hypnosis...people are just imagining...and then there are a few that are totally immune and apparently I'm one of them... :(

Oh well...I have to go to bed now...probably thinking of him...as I always seem to do lately...and why really? He doesn't want me naymore...when am I going to get that into my thick head? Will I ever? I know at least that we have to talk...he needs to answer a few questions of mine...in order for me to understand...I know that he doesn't think that we have anything to talk about but that's where he's wrong..but then on the other hand he thinks he's free too...and yet he's so whipped by his ex that he can't see it... so really what do I want him for then?
Well because during the time we got together before the ex from hell came and ruined everything...I got to see the real him and how wonderful he can be...and that is who I want...I don't want the whipped version...I want the real version...
But sadly...apparently the real version has nothing to say in the matter and the ex wins once again...*sigh*

My heart aches for him...I liked him more than I thought...puss på dig J....

Abandoned...

I feel a little bit abandoned right now...none of the people I want to talk to wants to talk to me...I feel alone...I really feel like I have no friends...and especially none that are special...*sigh* what to do?
It's really hard when you want company and got none...usually I do just fine on my own and don't need anyone to talk to really...but right now I feel like I really need someone to talk to and there is none...I think it can have something to do with my somewhat broken heart...what do you think?
Well later today my best friend is coming down here to visit me from the big city...and we are going to party and I'm going to get so drunk that I forget why I'm so sad...or I'll probably won't forget it but still...I can try...

I still want him... :(

Ain't no sunshine anymore...

Well…the sunshine’s gone now…it didn’t last as long as one had hoped…and the end wasn’t a pretty one either…actually it was a really ugly and hurtful end…I didn’t think that someone ever would do something like that to me…but still he did…and it’s all because of his ex that he doesn’t even want…or so he say anyway…she took my sunshine away from me…someone that doesn’t even know me just robbed me of something so wonderful…I know…I know…he’s to blame too and yes he is…but I do blame her more…because it didn’t started to stop until she came back from her vacation…and then she probably realised that this guy that she had dumped about 18 months ago all of a sudden had found himself a new girl and she didn’t like that…because then she couldn’t use him as she has done these past 18 months…so she had to stop it and she did…pretty much immediately…
I’m just so sad that there are such people out there…people that only cares about themselves and doesn’t care on whom they step on, on the way to making themselves satisfied…

So you see people…it’s pretty dark here right now…and I’m not sure that the sun will ever shine on these parts ever again…I’m not sure I want too…I guess some people are just meant to live alone…and apparently I seem to be one of them…why else would I keep on banging my head into the wall all the time?
I got to know him for about 3 weeks before everything was wrecked…I still like him and I’d like to get the chance to prove that him and me could be pretty good together…but I don’t think that will ever happen now that the bitch is back in town… :(

Så puss på dig vart du nu är…

Sunshine here...

Hello…well…the sun is still shining on me and I’m so happy…he’s so nice and cute and everything…I have now known him for 19 days…not that I’m counting or anything… :) and I just like him more and more…

Well, last weekend we went to a place called Mantorp Park to watch some Drag racing…which was really fun…those cars are so cool…and the sound and the speed…wow… :) anyway…we spent a really nice day together…this new guy of mine is really into cars and as for me…well I don’t know that much about them…but I do like Drag racing…and have done so since I was about 17…so I had no problem in accompanying him to this event…
Although it was raining when we arrived and walking from the car up to the Park itself left us really and I mean really wet…since of course we didn’t think of bringing some umbrellas…:( not so fun though…but it was still a great day…and the best of it all was that I got to spend it with him… :) I’m just so happy for finally getting this chance of happiness…and I hope, as everyone else that are in love, that it will last forever… :)

Nice colour, huh? :)

Puss på dig pussgurkan...tycker om dig mer och mer för var dag...

Times are Changing...

Hello everybody...still there? Still reading my blog? I hope so for now it's in for a real change...it wont be so dull and sad anymore....I don't think...now it will be more like other blogs... :) because you see, my friends....something have happened...something unexpected but very, VERY nice.... :)
I went out partying some last friday...something that I haven't done really for many many years...but I had so much fun you can't believe it...it was just me and a friend but we ended up talking to a bunch of guys that was fun and nice...and as the evening went on one of the guys had called his friend to come and pick him up for he wanted to go home....and it was my luck that he did...because his friend was the one I've been waiting for (without knowing it though)...from the first moment I saw him I realise that it was something special about him...he got my attention right away...and to make a long story short...I ended up with him at the end of the night...and now about 4 days later I still can't believe my luck...I'm so glad that I have met him and now I just have to wait and see how it will turn out...I hope for the best of course...it feels like he likes me so...and I definately like him...more and more actually the more I think of him...we spent pretty much the weekend together...and it feels so good...and I'm so happy...much happier than I have been for weeks...and I will give this guy all my attention...because he deserves it and I want to give it a shoot...because who knows where this will lead... :)

So...from now on this will be a much happier blog...a more normal one perhaps...not so obsessive about something I can't have anyway...and actually now I don't want it anymore either...now when I have seen that there are other fishes in the sea...fishes that are free to chose, that are single....and that actually choose me...
But still...I wouldn't want to erase these past months with all it's emotions and thoughts...because I think that meeting the guy that this blog use to be about, the one that all the previous entries are about have helped me to see things in a different perspective and perhaps that was the meaning for meeting him too...but I just want to say that I won't be worrying about not getting him anymore...because I can clearly see that it wasn't meant to be...and that is ok...and actually it kinda feels like a relief that having realised that...and in a way I feel free again...I still like him and I will be his friend but nothing more...I won't jeopardise this new thing I have going...because this new thing is something else...something more real...and I'm so happy... :)

Well, I guess that's all I have to say for now... :)....but I think I'll be back...so have a fun time and carpe diem...

puss pa dig pussgurkan min.....

Summertime...

It's summer now...and the gaps between the entries are getting wider and wider...perhaps I'm starting to feel drained...I don't know what to say any more....the feelings are still there and so...but I'm not getting any younger so I can not just go around waiting for something that never will happen...I know this and still it feels so hard to just let go...

I need to find someone that actually wants my love, that actually want me to care for them as one does when one is in love, that want to spend every waken moment with me and the ones when we are asleep too, that want to hear what I have to say whenever I want to say it, that love me for the way that I am and not for the way that I can be, that long for me as much as I long for him, that want to share his everyday life with me and want to share mine too, that care for me...just simply...I need to find someone that can love me and only me...because I want exclusivity...I want to be the one...
Is that too much to ask for?
No? Well...Where is he then?

puss puss p... you're in my heart and my head more that you think....oh how I wish things were different...

I just have a question...

What is Love?

Silence...

Ok...so now it's all quiet again...and it feels like it was forever since I talked to Him...but in fact it was only like 2 days ago...but still...why haven't he even sent me an sms? And he's not online either...and I don't want to crack and be the first to send an sms...I want to show him that I can funtion without him...even though it's hard...real hard....I think I need to forget about him....it's the only way...try to make myself busy so that I don't think about him...but how can I when all I have to do is listen to his music and I'm sucked back in again...oh...I haven't told you...he's sings and plays the guitar and he does it really good too...even though he doesn't think so...but what does he know? I think it's great and I love to listen to it too....because it feels like he's talking to me...and that makes me all warm inside...
I wonder if he really...I mean really know how much I like him and how he makes me feel....I don't think so...he thinks he does...but I don't think so... but really what difference does it make? None! Because he won't leave his gf anyway...he's too afraid...hey look I'm not saying it will be a walk in the park being with me... or with him either...but I'm willing to take that chance...I jsut wish he was too...because the way I see it...his current relationship doesn't seems to be too healty...I wonder what he gets out of it? But I'm not sure that I can ask such a question...oh well...life sucks...at least for some peole....some have it all good the lucky bastards....and then there's me....and my life isn't so good right now...but I hope yours are...
I will go to bed now...hoping that I at least can dream some nice dreams about a nicer life...

puss puss p... I need you...I really do...

Alone...

"The road feels so lonely
And walking here alone
Doesn’t help much
Not having a goal
Not having someone
To go to
Or even to return
Home to
That’s loneliness
And that’s how it is for me
I miss that feeling
That being loved
Gives you
I miss someone
To love..."

I just wanted to say...

"Thank you
For all that you
Made me feel
You made me feel
Beautiful and
Attractive
And when I’m with you
I even feel a bit
More self-confident
I like the feeling
Of feeling
Beautiful
Attractive and
Self-confident
So
Thank you…"

A new direction...or?

So...I've been thinking...perhaps it's time to change the direction of this page...and start to make it more general...and not so much about Him and my heart ache...or perhaps I should start another page...hmm...I have a friend that has a funny and nice site with lots of different things and lots of pics too...perhaps I should make one of those but then again...it's not really me...hmm...nah...I'll just continue on this path...:)...sorry guys...I know it can be a bit boring but hang in there and someday I might even say something clever... :)...and perhaps I'll then add some wisdom to your life...how about that? But on the other hand...how many are really reading this anyway?... so...I might as well just write whatever comes to mind...:)
So lately it really feel like I walk along the road all alone...with no one in sight...and I'm not walking towards someone either...I just feel so alone...even now after having met him I feel even more alone because for a moment I got all that I have longed for, for so long just to have it been taken away again...so now I stand here feeling double alone and I don't know what to do about it either...and it's really sad too...just because here I am so full of life just longing for someone to give it too...but I don't want to give it to just anybody...so what shall I do?

puss puss p... if you only knew just how much...

Think about it...

Courtesy of MsTags.com

So true...

Courtesy of MsTags.com

It's true...

"You're just too good to be true
I can't take my eyes off of you
You're like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much
You're just too good to be true..."

Gaps?

Ok...so there are small gaps between the entries...oh well...perhaps it means that I'm starting to move away...or just that I don't want to repeat myself too many times... :).. probably the last one... but it's true...I do repeat myself alot...and I know that...but then on the other hand I did explain in the first entries that I was going to write down my confused thoughts and so I do...and they're really confusing sometimes...right? :) but then on the other hand...I don't really think that there are so many that reads this so...what different does it makes? It really is just for me to air my thoughts...
Because nothing will change just because I write it down...now will it? No, he will still be with her and I will still be alone...longing for him...which is stupid...I know, I know...but hey...as I have said probably a hundred times before...love makes you do stupid things...and you can't help who you fall in love with...
but I will try to stop having the feelings for him...and I will just be a friend...the best one he can have so that he'll never want to be without me...and then he'll see what he didn't want...
Life will go on...I know this...even if it's hard to understand sometimes...oh how I wish my life could be a little bit more exciting...
I want things to happen....I want to be loved and to love back....but apparently that's not for me...

Oh well....I have these feelings and they won't go away just like that...I'll try to make them but...

puss puss p... I really do like you more than I can say...

Wise things heard on TV...

"Transformation...sometimes turns out to be better than you could've imagined..."

Ain't it true?

"Sometimes in order to move forward...you have to stop looking back..."

Just another day...

Hello...I was wondering....why can't life be like it is in the movies? Where you get what you want?...where you make a wish and it comes true...especially if it's your birthday...oh how I wish it could be like that...

Today is my birthday...but it wont be the kind of birthday I'd like it to be...it never is...and probably never will be either...
I actually am starting to think that I will never have that nice family life that I want to try out so badly...because I can't seem to find the right guy...the guy that have all that I want...they're rare or so I've heard...well...I thought I had found him....but it can't be really...since he is taken so obviously he's not meant for me...so why do I want him so badly then?

Why can't I have the birthday present I want?

I will never get what I want...*sigh* and knowing that hurts alot...alot more that you might think...

puss puss p... oh how I wish you'd be my birthday present...

True or not?

"Life is short...and it sucks alot of times..."

Wise things heard on TV...

"Sometimes it's not only easier to walk away from something...it's also the right thing to do..."

Ten to two...

Oh how I miss him...I really long for him...and so finally comes the moment I've been waiting for...an opportunity arise and she is going away...it's just that he finds out a little too late for me to change my plans for the weekend and go to him...so now I feel like I'm wasting time...time I could've spent with him... :(...and that really sucks...I mean those moments aren't that many...and they probably never will be either... :(
I don't know what to do... I feel so much for this man...and I want to share everyday-life with him...I want to show him what a life with me could be like...but how can I? When I can't even get to see him whenever I want? I think I have to break free...break free from him....break free from what I feel for him...break free from me even in a way...but how can I? Can someone please tell me how to do that? I really need to know...for my insanity...because you know, love can really make go insane...I believe that...
Oh well...why should today be any different from yesterday or the day before that....or every day up until now? I just want to be loved...ok so I want to be loved by someone special but still....just to be loved...to have someone to hold me and to just love me....for me...for the thing that makes me special...to come up to me and tell me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... because of the simple reason that he loves me....so easy....why can't he?
Why does he need to be taken? Why? Why couldn't he have waited for me? I waited for him...sort of...*sigh*...

puss puss p... I don't know what to do with all these feelings I got for you...

Deep inside of me...

"Deep inside of me I have a heart
Who’s beating for you
Deep inside of me I have a heart
Who’s burning only for you
Deep inside of me I have a heart
Who’s longing just for you
Deep inside of me I have a heart
Who tells me I like you
I really do..."

Over the mountain and far away...

Ok...so I'm still sick...but a little bit better though...now it's just my voice that is all cracked up...and I cough a lot...and I feel alone...:(
It's weird actually...I love talking to Him and yet after each time I talk to him I end up feeling even more alone...I just long for him so damn much...I just want to be in his arms....want him to hold me and hug me...and just love me...and eventhough that have happened before...at least the holding and hugging part...I can't be sure of that it will ever happen again...and that feels so sad...almost scary actually...since being in his arms feels so good...so safe...and I so wish that they could be mine...but they'll probably never be mine so I should just stop thinking like that really...but it's hard...
And right now I also long for hearing his voice...I want him to call me...just because he wants to talk to me....like he use to do alot before...but not so much anymore...and I know, I know....he can't do it so much since she is so jealous...but come on...he do leave the house pretty much every day...so some time there must be to just give me a call....or if not that then at least send me an sms telling me that he thinks about me or something....
I wonder how he would feel if I would meet someone else...I know he says that I should really so that I can be happy...he just fails to see that I want to be happy with him...so one minute he wants me to find someone else just to say in the next that he wouldn't like it if I did...hmm...I know, I know...he has no say in it...since he's taken...and I know that but still....but as they say (in swedish anyway) : "You don't know what you have until you lose it..." and then unfortunately it's usually too late so...he will probably realise that....later and then perhaps regret it...or he will never realise it and still go on thinking that he is in a full and rich relationship...and that it can't get any better... hmm.....perhaps I just beleive too much in me or there actually is a small possiblity that I might be right...which I believe though....ok so I don't know her...and I only know what he tells me...and what he don't tell me...and I might be wrong about the whole thing but actually their relationship doesn't sound too healty....that much I can read between the lines....and that's why I feel that I might be really good for him...or to be correct I know I would be good for him...just too bad that he doesn't see it... :(
I just hope that he would see what a good and wonderful person he is and truly believe it too...as I do....because he really is...sure he has his flaws...but everyone does...that's because we are humans... :) hahaha....

puss puss p... just think how wonderful it could be...if it was just you and me... :)

Something to think about...

"How much bagage do you have to get rid of...in order to move forward?"

I just want you to know...

"Your hugs are absolutely the best thing there is...they’re so comforting, so safe, so wonderful..."

Question...

"I want him...why doesn’t he want me?"

In the night...

"Now I’m lying here
Next to you
In the middle of the night
I’m watching you
And my heart overflows
With feelings
I wish this moment
Could last forever
But soon you’ll wake up
And another day
Will arise
And our short time
Together
Will soon come to an end
I have to go home
And leave you
For how long…I don’t know
Perhaps this time
Will be the last
And I want it to be
Forever
I don’t want to let go
But I have too
I know I do…"

I just wanted to say...

Hello...ok...so I couldn't keep myself from sending him an sms....but it won't count actually since it was a harmless one...I just reminded him about a tv-programme that he likes to watch but very often miss because he can't keep track of time... :) ... so you see it doesn't count really... :)
I was just being a really good friend...a friend that really likes him a lot though...even if it's not really what he wants I still do...and I really hope that I'll get to see him again soon...and talk to him too...and just spend time with him...I want him to hug me....I need that....oh well I guess I just have to wait until he misses me just as much as I miss him...that might never happen though...but I just have to that that risk...
It's weird actually that it seems like I can't write a simple entry without mentioning him...but perhaps that's because he is constantly on my mind...I guess love do that to you...

puss puss p... I love you twice as much tomorrow... :)

Wise things heard on tv...

"Every tick of the clock takes away something..."

Iceage over here...

Damn it feels cold...not even a hug or a kiss goodnight...and he who always say that when we talk.... :( ...so what do you say guys? Is it on its way down? Going back to what it was like before we even met...nothingness...soundless...quiet....I mean since we didn't know each other then of course it was quiet...hahaha.....and now I feel it's going back there...and perhaps I shall just let it happen...I shall try and wait for him to make the next move....I shall try...even if I know it's hard...but I shall try not to send him an sms or contact him on msn or any other way...and then we shall see how long it will take before I hear from him...in worst case it will take weeks....but I hope not...perhaps a week or so...I'll let you know...so starting today I shall keep away from smsing him...even if I want to...because I don't want him to think that i have stopped caring....but perhaps I should...? Oh I don't know...I'm so confused....the only thing I am certain of is how much I really do like this guy and that I will never have him and that hurts like hell....life isn't fair in anyway...not for me...I just wonder something...when will I get a break? When will it be my turn?...When hell freezes over?....probably my best bet...if even then... :(

puss puss p...
Oh why can't you love me?

About Him again...of course...

Well...here I go again...I have more on my mind that needs to get out...but actually it's nothing new really...it's just the same old thoughts about him...and why he can't love me? Oh I know why but still....
And you know what...I am really starting to think that this whole thing was just a spur of the moment...fun right then and there and for a little while...and now it's not so fun anymore...from his side I mean...me, unfortunately, are in it way too deep to easily just walk away...and still perhaps that's just what I need to do....but you see if I shall do that then that means that I have to cut the contact with him all together...and I'm not sure I want to do that....I love his mind and his thinking and our conversations about things too much...but I also like him too much too...and I don't want to hurt him and I know I will do that if I just cut the contact...
Damn...sometimes I get so angry with myself for always falling for the wrong guys...the ones that doesn't want me...why? I don't get it...I mean it doesn't really do much for my self-confident to always get turned down...one think that I should by now be able to sort out those guys and just go after the ones that do want me...that really could love me...that want me to be apart of their lives for as long as possible...a close part...more than just friends...so why can't I then? Why am I so slow? Or am I just so impossible to love that the man upstairs have just given up on me...and just let me walk around with no help whatsoever? Sometimes it sure feels like that...
But then I start to think about me...and I feel that I have so much to give to someone...I know how I am when I really love someone...I could do pretty much anything for them...just because I want to...just because I love them...so why can't people see that then? Ok, so I have met some men that says that they want me...and there's nothing wrong with them...except that they're...not Him...:( ... and so many times I have tried to figure out what it is that I like so much about him...and I can't put a finger on just one thing...I like him...just as he is...it's the feeling I got when I first met him...and the feeling I get everytime I see him...it kind of tingles inside me...*sigh*
Oh well....I guess it is a lost cause anyway...because why would he break up with her to take a chance on me? Even though I would...but I probably know me a little bit better than he knows me...so of course I would...I mean here is a guy...and probably the first one...that I feel that I could move to be with...and that is big for me...because I just don't move for anyone...and absolutely not to a city that is smaller than my city...I could think about moving to Dublin or London that would be fun...but then that would be because I wanted too not because of some guy...but if me and this guy would be together and he asked me to move to him...I would actually...and that is scary....but observe that I said if he and me were together...I wouldn't move as it is right now...just to be closer to him...closer to something that never will happen anyway...no...that would be just plain stupid...so what should I do then?
Damn, it really hurts...inside...and I feel like letting the water run for awhile....but then I will get a headache and a runny nose...so no...I better keep it inside...and besides I don't have anyone here to comfort me anyway so...and isn't that really what you want when you're feeling sad and low....just have someone next to you...hugging you and telling you that everything will be ok...? I know I want that...and I know in who's arms I'd like to be too....because however I put it...in his arms is really the best place to be...it feels so secure and so safe there....and I so wish it would be all mine....just mine...but does life ever turn out as you want it too? Not for me anyway...

puss puss p... damn you must be tired boy...since you've been running through my mind all day... :)

It wasn't...

Ok...I just wanted to let you know that I didn't had tonsillitis....the doctor didn't know what it was so I just have to go around in pain hoping that I will get better soon... :(.... but he did say that I should rest alot and sleep alot...yeah like I have time for that...sometimes what you should do and what is possible aren't always the same thing....
so, hope you all are healthy and well....and not in pain....any sort of pain... :)

I'm sick...for real...

Hey you all...I'm not feeling so good right now "What else is new?" you might think...no but this time I'm sick for real...I have tonsillitis...and it hurts...plus that I'm not feeling so good from other reasons as well..."See..." yeah yeah...you're right...but the main hurting thing is the tonsillitis right now... hahahaha...and you know when one is sick and single one really feels even more single than ever before...because don't we all like someone to take care of things when we are sick? But when you're single you don't have that one there for you....you have to take care of everything yourself...and it's even harder if you're a single mom because then you have to take care of your child/ren too no matter how sick you are...doesn't life really suck? Luckily for me I don't get sick that very often...although I have actually had tonsillitis once this year already...back in January...but before that I can't really remember when I had it the last time...but now I got it again and there's nothing I can do about it really...I have to get some penicillin and hopefully will I get better after that...
But there's no penicillin for the ache in my heart...that one will never go away I believe...it's too deep... :( even if it might get a little bit better it will never go away completely...because I have found the one that matches me...even though he doesn't see it as clearly as I do...but for some people it takes a little bit longer to realise things...and sometimes you even have to give them really obvious hints in order for them to get it at all...but that's ok...I can do that...as long as he gets it in the end...although then it might be too late....but on the other hand....I know that he will never leave his gf...he thinks that she is the best thing for him and that they have a rich life together...but since he has low self-esteem it's hard to make him see that there are other things out there...things that might even be better for him...things like me... :) ...hahaha...nah but really I so would like to get the chance to show him how a life with me would be...sure I'm not saying that it would be all peaches and cream all the time but it wouldn't be hell either...that much I believe in me and I know how I work...and I know a life with me wouldn't be boring...I'm not boring... :) ...see... there's that self-confident that I need so badly...hahaha....it shones through every now and then...
Well well...he will probably never see it my way anyway so...:( ...and now I have to lie down for a moment to rest some before I have to go to the doctor...
So to all of you, hope you'll have a great life with lots of love and I hope you'll never get tonsillitis...bye for now....

oh and...puss puss p... you're in my thoughts every moment there is...

Thoughtful things heard on TV...

"If I don't ask you to be mine I'll regret it for the rest of my life...'cause I know it in my heart that you're the one for me..."

I'm so confused...

I don't know what to feel anymore...I feel sad...sad for being me...sad for the fact that the man I want don't want me...and sad for the fact that I don't really see any other men besides him...sure I talk to them and am as I always am...nice and kind...but I can't give them anything more than my friendship no matter how nice they are back...because I have already lost my heart unfortunately...and yes I say infortunately because it's a lost cause...a dead race...and it's not fair...if it wasn't meant to be why did it happen then?
I talk to him...oh I really love talking to him but sometimes it feels like we run out of words...and that is not fun...it feels like he's actually getting tired of talking to me...I know I know....it's probably not so and if I'd ask him he would say that it's not so but yet it feels like it...and I'm fully aware of the fact that he can't really talk to me whenever he want because of her....but still...and this I probably have said many times before....sending an sms every now and then doesn't take that long....I mean he has to visit the loo sometimes, right? And he doesn't have to write a long sms either...because I know that he doesn't like writing sms...but still...sometimes we have to do things that we don't like and if it's for a good cause then it can't be that bad, can it? I mean, he knows that it really makes me happy to hear from him...just like it did in the beginning when he was really good at staying in touch...and telling me just how much he missed me, and longed for me, and thought about me...he says he does all those things now too...and if that's true...then why can't he just tell me that then? I don't know that he does actually...how can I know really?...he's taken...which means that he probably have feelings for her too....so how can I be sure of the he has feelings for me, really? I need him to tell me that...I have low self-confidence...I do assume the worst in many cases...just because I am so insecure...
Oh honey, why should it hurt so? I thought love should feel wonderful...oh yeah that's right...it does when it mutual...when the one you like - like you back just as much...then it really is wonderful...a bliss...but as for right now...it just hurts... :(

"Please snugglepuff,
Look into your heart
And you will see
Just what I have
Already seen
I just need you
To discover it too
The fact that
You need me and
I need you too

I know it’s true
That it should be
Me and you
Otherwise life
Wouldn’t have
Put me
On your path

I have something
That you need
That I want
You to have
So just open up
And see
That it really
Should be
Just you and me…"

Oh I really do like him more than words can say.... puss puss p...

Wanting to know...

"I just want to know if he's out there...if he loves me..."

Wise things heard on TV...

"Sometimes it takes a leap of faith..."

In the early morning...

Hello....it's in the middle of the night or in the early morning, depending on how you see it... :)...anyway I should be asleep because I have to get up tomorrow and be nice to people...but I just had to get out some of the things I'm thinking of...it's too bad really that the person that should read this never will...he can't have this address because it might fall into the wrong hands so to say...and I don't want that...but he should really need to read this...so that he got to know what goes on inside my mind...perhaps something would change although I don't think so but one can only hope...I wish that I could have such power that for once in my life I would get what I wanted...and need...and I know needs me as well...
Ok...so let's talk about her for a moment...I really don't know her...I barely knows what she looks like and I'm sure she is a nice person...just not the right person...ok ok I know I know....I can't know that since I don't know her....but actually I do know that...since I really feel that I am the right person for him...so how can she be? It's logical...think about it...there is one out there for everyone...and I really think that we are the ones for each other...
What we, me and him, need is to spend time together...to really get to know each other...we do know each other but we need more...and I'd like to have unlimited time with him...I actually do want to go through every mood he can have just so that I can get to know him...I'm not walking on clouds here...I don't go around thinking he is flawless...I know he has his faults as we all do...God knows I have mine...but i like him anyway...with all of his faults...as I hope that he one day will like me with all of mine...but we need time to discover each other and how to solve it if a conflict would arise...I don't know if we ever will get that time...and that is frustrating not knowing....I like him so much that my heart aches...and that can't be good right? I want this man, I want him for the rest of my life...I want to help him and I am positiv to the fact that I actually believe that I would be good for him...I would have a good influence on him and God knows he sure could need some of that right now...he needs me...in more ways than one...and more than he realises too...
I know that I just have to wait and see what happens...but I'm not sure that I want to just sit here and wait...but I can't really date other guys either....not when all I can think of is him...when I compare everyone with him...or to be correct actually...i don't even see anyone else...even if they would be right in front of me I don't see them because all I see is him...love can really be a curse sometimes...and a bliss other times...it really is a fine line between love and hate...
Well to all you out there who are lucky enough to have found someone...hang on to him/her.....don't let them go and enjoy love and all that comes with it...i just wish I could be one of those people...

puss puss p... I like you more than I can say...

Dear God...

"If you can hear me now...
Please grant me a wish...
I wish him to be free...
Free to choose me!
Is that wrong of me God?
To wish for such a thing?
To wish for happieness?
To wish for a little light at the end of the tunnel?
To wish for something for myself?
For something that could make me happy?
Is that so wrong, dear God?
I just want to be happy...
and I know I would be happy
with him...
So is it so wrong to wish for it then?
I can't say that I think it is...
I just want to be loved,
dear God...
just to be loved..."

Is it true...?

"When you feel it...you know..."

Sms + phone call = me happy...

Hello...today I feel a little bit happier than I did just a few days ago...and why is that? you might ask...well today I got to talk to him...he called me...it feels so good when he does that...plus the fact that he actually sent me an sms too...just a small one but that is all it takes...because just sending it let's me know that he think about me...if only he got that too...
Because when I don't hear anything from him it really feels like he doesn't think of me anymore....I know, I know...it's stupid to think like that...especially since I know that he still like me and that he do think about me and that he want to see me again...
Today on the phone we talked about our situation...me, him and her...and that it's not an idyllic one...and then I said that I don't really know what we can do about it but then I changed my mind...because I do know what we can do about it...and it's quite simple too...he just need to leave her...it's as simple as that...but of course i couldn't tell him that...I wanted to and I will but in another way...hopefully will he come to that conclusion on his own...(with just a little help from me)...hopefully will he realise that he would have a fuller and richer life with me and do the right thing...I know it's not nice to think like that...but hey this is my blog...I can think and say what I want...and I truly believe that he would be better off with me... :)... but I'm not God...I can only pray and hope that I'll be heard and that he will get it...soon...because as much as I like him...and I do like him alot...I can not wait forever...I'm not getting any younger and I do want to have a family and more children...and unfortunately if he can't see that I'd rather spend the rest of my life with him than with anyone else then I just have to find someone else anyway...that's life I guess...and life do really suck sometimes...oh I just wish that he could love me...because everyone needs to be loved...even me...

"I want to be near you
I want to touch you
All the time
You don’t want to
I know I can be a bit
Clingy
But I like you so much
I just want you more and more
I want you to touch me
I want you to want me
I want you to desire me
All the time
I need to feel it
I want you to be
Free
Free to choose me…"

puss puss p... and sweet dreams...

A question from you to me...

"And you thought if I saw you vulnerable, needing me...I'd run...? "

True things heard on TV...

"Don't use your brain so much, sweety...you have other organs that can give you far more pleasure..." ;)

Think about it...

"We're just having a fling, don't get carried away..."
"When you can't stop thinking of someone when they're not around, that's not a fling.
When you rememeber their touch, just like they were still right next to you, that's not a fling.
If you need to be alone with this...fine.
But we both know what we have..."

A quote...from Mae West

"Too much of a good thing...can be wonderful!"

Wise things heard on TV...

"If he doesn't want me...it's his loss!"

I wish I could...

"I wish I could
Stop
Stop everything
To just lock up
The feelings
In a little blue box
And throw away
The key
Never to open
The box again
Just stop…"

Life sucks...

Ojojoj....life really sucks sometimes...or at least it feels like it...when the one you really really like don't say a word to you for ages or so it seems...well actually it's just like a day or so...but in the land of love that's forever...hahaha...so here I go again feeling unwanted, unloved and unthinkable (meaning he doesn't think of me...hahaha) ...well it really sucks being me...and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone...sure I've had my moments but honestly the bad moments are far more...unfortunately...so of course I wonder...why me? What have I done to deserve this? Was I too slow when they handed out the good lives or what? I didn't run as fast as the others...sigh...it sure feels like it...and you know what...up until about 4 months ago everything went along fine...sure I felt lonely and so but I could handle it...but then I met this man and everything changed...it's not like he didn't bring some light into my life because he did...perhaps too much...I feel so good in his company...it is almost scary actually...I haven't felt so good with anyone...and yet he can't be mine...and he probably never will either....he will never leave his gf...I know this even if he have never said it straight out, I still know...but you know one thing....this is one thing that I more than gladly wouldn't mind being wrong about...but since I'm rarely wrong about things (hahaha) that wouldn't be very likely...so this is my life...feeling sad and blue...being without him...I guess I just have to accept it...but I don't want too...I want to fight..but I don't really know how too...it's just not that he's already taken he has to be so very far away from me too which makes it even harder...so I was thinking...ok so I stop sending him sms and let him make the move and contact me...just to realise I can't wait that long...oh man how it hurts...why?? I don't understand...

"This doesn’t work
Anymore
I like him
I do
And perhaps
He likes me too
But still
There’s something
In between
A love he feels
For someone else
A love I cannot have
And honestly believe
I never will
It feels sad
It hurts
Because of all
The feelings
I have
That will never
Be returned…"

Oh please just send me a little sms to say that you miss me, or think of me och long for me...well anything really...please...(aren't I pathetic so say?)...

puss puss p...

Wise things heard on TV...

"If you let moments slip away...then they're lost forever..."

Not a word...

"I’m sad
I feel low
Why should it
Be so?
It’s because
You don’t say
A word
Not an sms
Not a phone call
Nothing
I feel
Rejected
I know I shouldn’t
And it’s probably
Not even so
I just want you to know
That’s how it feels
When you don’t
Say a word..."

Water falls...

Today have been a weird day…I have realised though that I am depressed which is not so good…and I’m bursting with feelings that should come out…but they wont because I wont let them…I can’t let them out…I want to tell Him how I feel…but would that change anything? Would he leave her then? I don’t think so…and now it’s even worse…it feels like something have happened that have driven a wedge in between us…he feels so distant like as if he have gotten tired of me…which he might as well could have…and that hurts…so why should I pour my heart out to him then and risk to get even more hurt?
Or should I lay all my cards on the table? And tell him just how much he means to me? How he makes me feel when we are together? Tell him that I have never had these strong feelings before? I can’t…I’m afraid to be so vulnerable…I’m alone and I have to be strong…I can’t let my guard down…even if I am bursting inside…
Ok…so now I guess I just need to turn on the water and let it all out for awhile…I’m alone so I can do that…


"I don’t think that I will win this

I’d like to think I will
But honestly I don’t

I think I’ve lost my heart to someone
Who cannot care
Who cannot be there

So why do I do such a stupid thing then?
When I knew from the start
That I couldn’t have his heart
Not completely anyway

I don’t know how this could happen
I don’t understand it
I’m not usually like this
I don’t give it away so easily
I’m too scared to get hurt

I don’t want to get hurt
But I will
Sooner or later
Yes I know this
Because it’s me who is the loser in this
I really don’t think that I will win this

That’s why I get so mad
At myself
For letting myself feel
All these feelings
Why couldn’t I just keep my heart closed?
Like I have done for a long time
Why did I have to let him in?

Everyone knows
How hard it feels
To love someone
That cannot be yours
To feel that feeling of
Hopelessness
And to know that
Nothing will ever change..."

puss puss p...gud vad jag tycker om dig...

Dear snugglepuff...

"Oh snugglepuff,
I like you so much
I really do
And I think I always
Will too
So never think
Whatever I do
However I act
That I don’t care
For you
Because I do
I will never get
Tired of you
And leave
If you ever gave me
The chance to prove it
But right now
The situation is different
And I think
It’s for both our bests
That I slowly fade away
To let you live your life
With whom you choose to
And without interference…

What do you want
Snugglepuff?
What do you want
Me for?
To just be friends with…
Forever?
Never to touch?
Never to kiss or hug?
Ever again?
Is that the solution?
Never to meet again
Because to meet is
To stir up feelings
To stir up the wanting
The needing for
Touching…

So snugglepuff,
How do you want
It to be?
What do you
Want from me?
What can I do
To make you see
That all that
You want is me?
How can I
Compete with the
Old and familiar
When I symbolize the
New and unknown?
How on earth can
I win this?
Please tell me
I want to know…
I need to know…"

I'm back...

I’m back…and I think I’m feeling a bit depressed actually…I can’t stop thinking about food and goes out into the kitchen ever so often to see if there is anything in there to eat…but there isn’t…I have some candy but it’s not so appealing actually…I want something else…what I just don’t know…anyway…
This weekend have made me see that liking someone as much as I do is not easy to do…especially if that love cannot be returned, not completely anyway…and it hurts actually…I have been home for 2 days now and he hasn’t called me yet…that rejected feeling is starting to come over me again…I know I know…I’m being stupid but who said that you’re rational when you are in love?
Anyway…I did produce some short poem-like texts this weekend but they’re all pretty grey and sad…I have come to realise that perhaps the best thing to do is actually to give up…to just let him go and try to find someone else…someone that is free to love me…
So…here will follow a few short texts on how confused I am and how it hurts and so on…overall my confused thoughts and all the heartache I feel… hahaha

"So hard, so hard
This parting will be
But I think it’s for
The best for me
I have so many feelings
And it hurts so
And the feelings
Gets more and more
Each day

I don’t want to hurt you
I want to see you
Meet you
Talk to you
I want to love you
But you make it
Hard for me
I can’t understand
Why I have to be
Alone
Was this the meaning
With my life?
To get a taste of
How wonderful it
Could be
But never have it
Completely?
Where’s the fairness
In that?

So, I think
I have to go
I don’t want to
My heart screams
“NO!!!”
But my head says
“It’s for the best…
Leave him alone
And let him live his life…”
It sounds right
But why does it
Hurt so then?"

"I want to be near you
I like you
I want to touch you
I like you
I want to be touched by you
I like you
I want you to want me
As much as I want you
I like you

And all this is
Tearing on me
Not knowing where
I got you
And knowing only
That when you’re
Not with me
You’re with her…"

"What am I doing?
How can it feel
So right
And so wrong
At the same time?
Why do I feel
Like I want
To cry
So very often?
I’m jealous
Of everyone
That has someone
I want one too
I want to be loved
To be the
Only one…"

"I’m confused
I don’t know
What to do
I don’t know
What to say
How to act
I want to tell
You so much
All what I feel
But I’m afraid
I’ll push you away
Sometimes that
Can happen
Believe me I know
Unfortunately…"

"I need to let go
I know I do
But it’s so hard
When all I want
Is you
I’m more in to you
Than I’ll admit
And in a situation
Like this
That’s no good
Anytime else it
Would have been
Great
But now…
No…
So that’s why
I have to let
Go…"

Time goes by when you're having fun...

Ok so now it has been awhile since I wrote an entry…but I have been really busy lately and not to mention out of the country too…last week beginning with Thursday I visited another great big love of my life…I went to Ireland for about 1 week. I had a great time and I went there with my best friend and her boyfriend. My friend and I went to a couple of concerts and then we did some travelling…but for the most part we just stayed in Dublin seeing the shops in the city centre
And now I’m back but tomorrow or later today actually I’m going away again…I’m going to visit Him with a capital H…and I’m going to have a great time too.
I miss him and I really long for him…to hug him and kiss him and just cuddle some…we are going to watch some movies as well…
So, now after spending a week abroad and not being able to talk to him on the phone it was really nice that he called me twice today…Oh I just love to hear his voice…I want him…I want him to be mine…for the rest of my life…it feels a bit scary to think like that but it’s true…I really do want him…
Oh well I have to go now…have to get some sleep before I have to get up in about 5 hours…so you all who just happen to drop by…have a great time until next time we meet…bye bye…

Yet another day have passed...

Oh my…here I go again…another long and sad evening…oh well...I have decided to once again give up…I’m not cut out for this game…I get too emotional…and it’s hard when you don’t get the respond you want and need.
And it’s not his fault either…I won’t blame him…I can only blame myself…I like him too much to ever think anything bad about him…and he really is doing the best he can…and then if doing his best is not being with me…then perhaps after all this wasn’t meant to be…perhaps someone really was just playing a joke on me…it sure feels like that…I guess I just have to accept it…and by any chance luck would come my way I sure would be surprised…happy but surprised…
But as it is now…actually I’m really starting to wonder if this wasn’t just a spur of the moment…a fun thing at the right moment and now when that moment have passed…what’s left? Just a clinging girl who’s starting to be plain boring and a pain in the butt? He has a life already…why would he wanna trade it for a better one? Hahaha he would so not like this if he was reading it…I’m sure he wouldn’t like reading anything on this blog…and that’s why he don’t have the address… :)
Anyway…”How can you know that it would be a better life?” you might think…well for the simple reason that it would be with me… :D …hahaha…well cut me some slack here…I have to have a little bit of self-confidence…I have to believe that I am the best thing for him…that I’m a great person over all… so sometimes I have express some self-confident if not so only for my own well-being….

"My dear Snugglepuff,
Should we stop?
Have we realised that
This really isn’t such
A good idea?
We don’t talk as much
Anymore.
Maybe I was just right
For the moment
And now I’m,
Yesterday’s news
And you can go
Back to the
Familiar again
And I will just
Fade away.
I like you so very much
Actually so much
I can’t really put
Words on how much
It’s confusing..."

puss puss p...

Wise things heard on TV...

"People makes mistakes...
They learn, they change and they grow..."

I just wonder...

Why does it hurt so?

Nothing...

"So many emotions, so many feelings
Tears are rolling down my cheeks
Confusion running around
Emotions bubbling up inside
I have to let it out
I have to set it free
I can’t keep it inside anymore
Tears are rolling down my cheeks

I can’t put words on the feelings
I don’t know what to say
I want to explain, but
I’m afraid
I want you to understand
I want to change the future
I want so much more
I want something that I can’t have

I can’t help it
I can’t really stop it
I didn’t count on it
I just have to let it happen
Tears are rolling down my cheeks
I can’t stop them
They have to get out
Confusion still running around
Bugging me with thoughts
About wonderful things
Things that I can’t have

I hate this
I hate it because I’m helpless against it
I want to be in control
But I can’t control this
I might be able to hold it down
I want to explain to you
But I can’t
You can’t know
You don’t understand
And most importantly
It wouldn’t change a thing

‘cause I can’t win this
I’m not even sure how to play
I don’t know what to say"

Another *sigh*...

Sigh…today haven’t felt so good…sure I’ve talked to him but still there something that doesn’t feel right…I probably just like him too much I guess…and I’m just being silly…I hope that I will see him again soon…because I have so many questions for him…things I need to know…
I wonder why I worry so much…before him I went on just fine with my life…why shouldn’t I be able to do it now then? Oh I hate this feeling…and when I think about it I have always hated this feeling…because you see…all my life I have went around falling for guys…at least I did when I was younger and pretty much everyone turned me down…but that didn’t stop the feeling to be there…to go around and feeling so much for a person that doesn’t feel the same way about you…and that’s how it feels now…I know that he says that he likes me and that he cares for me…and I do believe him…but still this whole situation…in a perfect world he would already have been mine…ahh….wait…now I get it…it makes perfect sense now…we don’t live in a perfect world…that’s it…ahh…feeling so much better…not…nope…the feeling is still there…and I know that I can’t say this to him because either I’d scare him away with all the feelings and I don’t want that…or he will just tell me how stupid I am and that I don’t trust him when he says that he really likes me and then he will leave anyway…so you see…it’s a lose lose situation… :(

"I believe in love
I believe in faith
I believe that everything happens
For a reason
So what’s the reason this time?
Why should I meet you?
Why should you be so wonderful?
In every way
I just wonder
What’s this all about?"

"I feel so sad
And so blue
And it’s all
Because of you
It’s amazing how you
Can make me feel
All these things you do
Make me believe it’s real
When clearly it will never be
Just you and me…"

puss puss p...

*sigh*...

Damn…right now it doesn’t feel any good….I feel so sad, so sad…it’s so hard to even think about him with her…I don’t want that…and on top of that we kind of had an argument…or perhaps it wasn’t really…more like an misunderstanding…but still it didn’t feel good…I don’t want him to feel that I hurt him in any way…because that was never my intention…but can you blame a girl for wanting some attention?
I know…I am pathetic…I should just let him go and move on, shouldn’t I? I wish it was that easy…I really do wish that…because everything would be so much easier then…I wouldn’t go around feeling all these feelings that I do and I wouldn’t have to go around counting the days until I get to see him next…perhaps I should just make myself believe that he will never leave his gf and absolutely not for me…if I could only get him to say it too…sure it would hurt but I rather have the truth now before I get even more in love with him…wow…I just realised something…I really am in love with him…damn…that’s not good…”What? You realised that now? We have known that from the beginning.” you may think…well yeah perhaps I have too…but I don’t want to admit it…I just like him a lot…let’s stick to that…I like him a lot…and I will never ever get him either…sad…but true!


"I may dream a million dreams
But how can they come true
If there never ever will be
Another one like you?"

puss puss p...

Just a little piece...

"You can’t have everything
You want…I was told
But I don’t ask for everything
Just a little piece…I said
Just a little piece
So I can be happy
But that little piece will probably
Never be mine
Why?…I wonder
I’m just asking for a little piece
Not everything I want
Just a little piece…"

A slightly brighter day...

Ok…so today turned out a little bit better than I had hoped…I got to talk to him on the phone several times and then later on MSN which doesn’t happen so much nowadays…because she doesn’t like it…which I can understand in a way…but what about me then? I like it…I want it…why can’t I have it then? Oh my God how I like to hear this man’s voice!!

Well…it’s in the middle of the night…and I just stopped talking to him actually…I can’t get enough of him…I’m starting to feel rather silly actually…is it ok to feel this much for a guy who is taken? But then one have to ask oneself…what is it that says that just because he has a gf that she is the right one for him? What if it happens to be him and me who are the soul mates…shouldn’t we be allowed to be together then? If we even felt the connection between us over the Internet…and then when we met only 2 weeks later that gut feeling was just confirmed and it felt like we had known each other for ages…and not just 2 weeks…can anyone explain that for me please?
I really would like to understand how something like that could happen…because I have never experienced it before…not that immediate connection, that instant feeling of recognition…the feeling of coming home...
I know it sounds weird but that is how it was. When he hugged me that first time…I really felt like that was where I belonged…and I still do…so how can it be so wrong then? Tell me please…

"I wish you were here,
Here in my arms.
I wish I could tell you how
I feel about you,
And to know that you feel
The same way about me.
I wish I could shower you in love
In all possible ways.
I wish I could say
I love you..."

No words...

"Det finns inga ord som riktigt kan beskriva
vad jag känner för dig…
Bara musik…
Samma musik som får mitt hjärta att dansa
varje gång jag ser dig."


"There really are no words that can describe
What I feel for you…
Only music…
The same music that makes my heart dance
Every time I see you…"

Love...or not to love?

Ok...so since I'm up anyway...why not put in another entry?...:)...hahaha...
So...I’ve been thinking about this love thing…”no kidding” you might think but yes I have, and it’s not in the way you think…I think…:)
I have found out that love is quite a stupid thing actually…it only hurts people…just think of all those people that don’t have love in their life…how painful that must be for them especially if they have had a taste of it once upon a time…because then they’ll know what they miss…
Ok, there are those lucky few that actually do have love…or they think they do…but still I bet you that they too have some bitter experience about love…so if love is so cruel then why do we yearn for it so much?
Well the feeling of being loved is so wonderful that you totally forget all about the bad that might and most likely will come with it…just for that moment of bliss that you feel when you are close to the one you love and you feel how the love go both ways...it's wonderful...so I do understand why we want it so much...but really...come on...is it worth it?

"A promise of tomorrow
I see the future
I see what I want
But also what I can’t have
And that is what’s
Hurting so

The feeling of love
Is actually a rather
Painful one
Just think how it hurts
To be in love
The saying:
“I love you so much
It hurts!”
How true isn’t that?"

Oh my God how it hurts to like someone as much as I like him...this is not fair...it's not fair to me... and I miss him so...
So a word of advise...if you like someone that is already taken...run in the other direction before you get to involved...because the pain...ouch....you don't want to feel the pain...believe me...I know...
This is a very good advise...but will we follow it then? No, probably not...we're too emotional for that...we follow our hearts and think that that's the way to go...well well...one learns from one's mistakes so...I think it's called life...

puss puss p...

In the middle of the night...

So, here I am again…in the middle of the night…alone with my thoughts…I haven’t heard anything from him today…not that I expected I would but still…sometimes I do like to be surprised…but I did get an sms yesterday (Friday) evening…saying that he was thinking of me…which feels great…because that means that I’m still in his thoughts…:)…but not yet today…or wait…my mobile phone is beeping…hold on………who-hey! I got a new sms…from him…can one be any happier?…or wait I’ll take that back …one can be happier….but right now this is what I have to settle for… :)… and they keep on coming….:)…this really makes me feel so good…perhaps it will last throughout the night…and then tomorrow the waiting and feeling blue and forgotten starts over…it’s an evil circle…

"Oh snugglepuff,
I like you so much
That I want to
Carry you with me
In my pocket
Like a little breadcrum"

puss puss p...

Tell me...

"Do you ever wake up feeling lonely in the middle of the night... because you miss me? Do you darling?"

Feeling blue...

Hello...I'm feeling a little blue... :(

It feels like this weekend is going to be a long weekend :( …he’s not home so he will probably not call me at all during this long weekend…it’s not that I don’t understand…or perhaps it is…I don’t understand why he can’t choose me and leave her…no but really I do understand why he might not be able to call me this weekend…but I still want him too… :( …I know, I know…I’m confusing…I’m not sure that I understand myself sometimes…It's just that...i like him so much and to just hear his voice can do so much for me...

"Why, why does my heart beat for you?
Why, why does my tears run for you?
How, how can I feel so much for you?
How, how can it be possible?
When I just have gotten to know you.

So what if it feels like
We have known each other for ages?
So what if it feels like
We have seen each other a hundred times already?
I don’t care
I want to see you more anyway
Talk to you more anyway
All the time"

I hope you're having a nice time where ever you are...or do I really? hmm...I should, shouldn't I? but can I?...hmm I have to think about it...the best time would be if you where here with me...that I know for sure anyway... :)

puss puss p...

Music and me...and him...

Hello...again...
So I have been listening to some music…I love music…all kinds of it…and once in awhile you'll find that lyric that fits you or your situation perfectly…it tells all about your feelings and everything and you wonder if the person writing it might have thought about you when he/she wrote it…not that it even is the slightest chance that it might be possible, but you still do wonder…don’t you? Just because it fits like a hand in a glove…(if that even is a saying in English…haha…but you get the pic…right?)…and so I have found a couple of songs that fit more or less…usually more though…:) and here is one…
(I’ll put the lyrics here so that you can follow the song that will play if you hit the play button on the player down below… :) )

"Across the miles, it’s funny to me,
How far you are, but how near you seem to be
I could talk all night, just to hear you breathe,
I could spend my life, just living this dream,
You’re all I’ll ever need

You give me strength
You give me hope
You give me someone to love, someone to hold
When I’m in your arms, I need you to know,
I’ve never been, I’ve never been
this close

With all the loves I used to know,
I kept my distance I never let go,
But in your arms I know I’m safe
Cos I’ve never been held and I’ve never been kissed
In this way
oooh, you’re all I’ll ever need,
You're all I’ll ever need

You give me strength
You give me hope
You give me someone to love, someone to hold
When I’m in your arms, I need you to know,
I’ve never been, I’ve never been
this close

Close enough to see it’s true,
Close enough to trust in you,
Closer now than any words can say
Yeah yeah

And when…
When I’m in your arms, I need you to know,
I’ve never been, I’ve never been
this close

You give me strength, (you give me strength)
You give me hope, (you give me hope)
You give me (oh) someone to love, someone to hold
When I’m in your arms, I need you to know,
I’ve never been, I’ve never been (oh no I swear)
I’ve never been, I’ve never been
This close"



powered by ODEO

You are always in my thoughts...
puss puss p...

To snugglepuff...

"Snugglepuff,
I just want you to know
That you’re in my heart
And that I think about you
Every day
Every hour
Every minute
Just about every moment there is

Right now you’re sick
And I feel so sorry for you
I want to be there to
Care for you
To just be there
For you..."



"Det finns tro
Det finns hopp
Det finns liv
Om jag får höra din röst..."

puss puss p...

Gone with the wind...?

Hello again,
I just realised something today…and that is that every time I don’t hear from him in like all evening or all day I feel rejected as I mentioned earlier…but now I also know why…I’m afraid that he will forget me…that I will vanish from his mind…as his gf probably wish I did… :s
I’m afraid that I haven’t made a deep enough impression on him and that I’m just something that floats around on the top and will go away by the slightest wind….
So, perhaps it’s better that I will just forget about him and move on…and let him live his life with her…if that’s what he wants....

"Oh how my heart aches
I can feel it bleeding
It feels like an open wound

And every time I think of him
It’s like someone is
Pouring salt into it

Because he’s hers and not mine..."

puss puss p...

Feeling...

Hello again...nice to see that you're still here... :)
It’s strange really how people work…here I am feeling a bit happy but in the same time a bit sad…I got to talk to him today…he called me twice…and I’m so happy that he did because as I have mentioned earlier…I just love talking to him and hearing his voice…but then I feel a bit sad that he is so far away and that I can’t talk to him whenever I feel like it…because of her then too…and I really don’t want to bother him either…although he says that I don’t …that I can never bother him…oh how I wish he could be mine instead of hers…:(

So, so much...

"I want him so much
It scares me
And I don’t even know why
I don’t understand it
How can he be the one?
What is it that makes him so special?
Why should it feel so right with him
When he’s unavailable?
When he can’t be mine?
I don’t want to wait
I have been waiting far too long
I want something now
I want the beautiful thing that all couples have
I want love
I need love
And nearness
And closeness
And all things wonderful"

The day have past...

So, now have the whole day past...he called me once more...or actually twice but I missed the last one...:( and now he's home and can't really call me...too bad...but on the other hand I don't really want him to call me when his gf is there right beside him...he's not the same person then...for obvious reasons of course....even I know that...I know that I'm the third person here...I know that I'm the one that should back away and leave them alone...but how can I when I know in my heart that this is the one for me? It's so hard....

"It’s hard to
Long for someone
Especially when
This someone
Is so far away
And far away
Doesn’t mean just geographically
Emotionally as well
Unavailable
Not mine"

And it really makes me wonder what the reason for meeting him was if not for falling for him?

"Isn’t life strange?
Two strangers meet
As friends
But then it all changes
And a sudden wave of emotions
Stirs up
Unexplained emotions
Unexpected feelings
And everything could
Be all good
If both were free to choose
Each other
But life isn’t that easy
It’s never that easy…"

So why...and this I ask myself a million times over and over again...why does it have to be this way? Why does it have to be so hard?
I wish he could be here next to me...just talking to me...but no....I can't even talk to him over the Internet either...oh I feel so sad...
Oh God, why? Can't you see what this does to me?
oh well...that's it for now I think....

puss puss p...

Waking up to the phone...

Woh-hey! Today started in a really good way...let me tell you...I am normally a person who is really tired in the morning and hates being awoken by the phone ringing...but that all depends on who it is that is calling...:D...to the story is also that I only have one phone and that one is not located in my bedroom...that one is stationed (it's not a wireless one) in the livingroom...so when the phone rings I have to rush out of bed and run into the livingroom and answer...so you see it's not just that I have to wake up I have to get out of that nice and warm bed too...and so mostly I wouldn't bother but then it's just a small thing about me and that is that I'm a really curious person so I have a hard time not to answer...hahaha....what a dilemma, ey?
Anyway this morning I did get up and answer and I'm glad I did for it was HE who called. I was so happy to hear his voice...I really love talking to him, hearing his voice and all the sweet words he say...

"My life
My light
My everything
My God
How I love to
Hear your voice

A call from you
Can really
Brighten
My day!"

So it was a really nice way to start the day...and I'd love to start everyday like that... :)
(I was actually meant to post this earlier but other things came up...)

puss puss p...

Feeling sad, low and just not wanted...

Well...so..I'm feeling a bit low...haven't talked to him today...:( ...not yet anyway...ok unless you count late last night...or this morning might be more correct... :)
Internet is a wonderful thing...it really is...you can talk to people all over the world...and pretty much whenever you are online there will be someone out there to talk too...you don't have to feel so alone...and that is good... :)
So, back to my confused mind...for a moment I decided to give up...I'm so tired...I have been alone for a really long time so I'm not really up for playing around just to end up even more alone in the end...since that's how I will feel when I lose him...and unfortunately I really believe that I will...
I think I got it bad for this guy...unfortunately...because everytime I don't hear from him I feel rejected...is that how it suppose to be? I don't think so but it still does...perhaps I'm just stupid...I know that some people think I am...after all he is taken...but still....don't they say that everything is fair in love and war? Hmm...I'm not a bad person...I just have been putting others ahead of me for so long that I think it's time for me now...and if some will get hurt in the way then...I'm sorry for them...

"I feel a pain in my heart
And I don’t know why
There is no reason for it
I’m not ill
I’m not in love
I’m nothing
And still it’s there
It won’t go away

Is he worth it?
Is he all that I want?
Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him?
Have a family with him?
Do I really want him in my life?
One little word can answer all
That word is…yes.

But how can he be?
I barely know him.

He makes me feel beautiful
He makes me feel wonderful
He makes me feel sexy
He makes me feel confident
He makes me feel that I can do anything
That I can have anything I want
Except for
Him

He’s not available to me
Not in the way that I want
He’s taken
And has been for a long while

But now is another time
It’s my time
And I’m gonna get him
Because it’s my time
I want him
I want happiness
Too
It’s my time…"

Loved...

"Here I go again
Pouring my heart out
Just begging to get hurt
And for what?
Haven’t I learned anything?
Don’t I remember what it was like
When I grew up?
Did I win anything in telling
All the boys how I felt?
No!
Nothing!
They never returned the feelings
If anything they shied away even more
From me
So how can I be so stupid then?
Why can’t I learn to keep my mouth shut
And just be glad for the crumbles?
Well I know why…
I want so much more
I want to be loved
Totally
Utterly
Only
Exclusively
Loved"

A little explaination perhaps...

Ok, perhaps I should explain a little to why I am so confused...heartache of course...what else? hahaha....and the worst kind too...well almost the worst kind anyway...he's taken...and I really like him alot and yadda yadda yadda...the usual stuff....
And what's worse almost...is that he says he likes me too...but he's still taken...and it doesn't really seem like he's giving her up anytime soon either...
"Oh, give him up"...you probably think...but see that's the tricky part...I'm not so sure that I can...and really he's not my type either and still I find him so attractive and everything....I just want him so much...and preferably for the rest of my life too...weird feeling actually...that you kind of stumbled upon the person that you can see yourself with for the rest of your life...
Oh well...I'm very familiar to the saying that life doesn't always turn out the way you want it too....and so will it probably not do this time either... :)
So now will some poem like texts follow...mostly meaningless babbling though....I think I will start off from the beginning...although it will only be me who will know in which order the texts should come... :) hahaha...as I said...I'm confused...:)

"It all started with that first hug. The one you gave me at the bus station when we first met. I wasn’t prepared on that you’d give me a hug but you did and it felt so good. We were strangers but in the same time we weren’t. It is the weirdest feeling. I loved that hug and all the hugs that came later. Because to be hugged by you is a wonderful feeling. I just love the feeling that I can just crawl into your arms and stay there and feel safe."

"Thank you for the moments
Thank you for giving me the time and attention
Thank you for giving me confidence
Thank you for saying you like me
Thank you for making me believe it
Thank you for your kisses and warm embraces

You made me feel something that I have never felt before"

"I need you
I need your touch
I need your kisses
I need your hugs
I need that feeling of goodness when I’m near you
I need your attention
I need you"

ok...that's it for tonight...I really have to go to bed now...it's like morning and I have to get up in like 3 hours....*yawn*...besides my eyelids keeps on closing... have no idea why though...hahaha

puss puss p....

The first one...

Hello there...
So here it comes...everyone says that one should have one of these...blogs...so I guess I'll give it a try...hahaha...
Not that I know if what I write will be of any interest to anyone...

Lately my life have been somewhat turned upside down and I feel that I have to get those thoughts out of my head...because I'm feeling a bit confused...so please bear with me if what I write might not make any sense to you...:) and do keep in mind that it is my confused thoughts that you are reading...
After that said...hope you'll have a great day and feel free to drop by whenever you feel like it.... :)
bye bye