Well...here I go again...I have more on my mind that needs to get out...but actually it's nothing new really...it's just the same old thoughts about him...and why he can't love me? Oh I know why but still....
And you know what...I am really starting to think that this whole thing was just a spur of the moment...fun right then and there and for a little while...and now it's not so fun anymore...from his side I mean...me, unfortunately, are in it way too deep to easily just walk away...and still perhaps that's just what I need to do....but you see if I shall do that then that means that I have to cut the contact with him all together...and I'm not sure I want to do that....I love his mind and his thinking and our conversations about things too much...but I also like him too much too...and I don't want to hurt him and I know I will do that if I just cut the contact...
Damn...sometimes I get so angry with myself for always falling for the wrong guys...the ones that doesn't want me...why? I don't get it...I mean it doesn't really do much for my self-confident to always get turned down...one think that I should by now be able to sort out those guys and just go after the ones that do want me...that really could love me...that want me to be apart of their lives for as long as possible...a close part...more than just friends...so why can't I then? Why am I so slow? Or am I just so impossible to love that the man upstairs have just given up on me...and just let me walk around with no help whatsoever? Sometimes it sure feels like that...
But then I start to think about me...and I feel that I have so much to give to someone...I know how I am when I really love someone...I could do pretty much anything for them...just because I want to...just because I love them...so why can't people see that then? Ok, so I have met some men that says that they want me...and there's nothing wrong with them...except that they're...not Him...:( ... and so many times I have tried to figure out what it is that I like so much about him...and I can't put a finger on just one thing...I like him...just as he is...it's the feeling I got when I first met him...and the feeling I get everytime I see him...it kind of tingles inside me...*sigh*
Oh well....I guess it is a lost cause anyway...because why would he break up with her to take a chance on me? Even though I would...but I probably know me a little bit better than he knows me...so of course I would...I mean here is a guy...and probably the first one...that I feel that I could move to be with...and that is big for me...because I just don't move for anyone...and absolutely not to a city that is smaller than my city...I could think about moving to Dublin or London that would be fun...but then that would be because I wanted too not because of some guy...but if me and this guy would be together and he asked me to move to him...I would actually...and that is scary....but observe that I said if he and me were together...I wouldn't move as it is right now...just to be closer to him...closer to something that never will happen anyway...no...that would be just plain stupid...so what should I do then?
Damn, it really hurts...inside...and I feel like letting the water run for awhile....but then I will get a headache and a runny nose...so no...I better keep it inside...and besides I don't have anyone here to comfort me anyway so...and isn't that really what you want when you're feeling sad and low....just have someone next to you...hugging you and telling you that everything will be ok...? I know I want that...and I know in who's arms I'd like to be too....because however I put it...in his arms is really the best place to be...it feels so secure and so safe there....and I so wish it would be all mine....just mine...but does life ever turn out as you want it too? Not for me anyway...
puss puss p... damn you must be tired boy...since you've been running through my mind all day... :)
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