I just want you to know...

"Your hugs are absolutely the best thing there is...they’re so comforting, so safe, so wonderful..."

Question...

"I want him...why doesn’t he want me?"

In the night...

"Now I’m lying here
Next to you
In the middle of the night
I’m watching you
And my heart overflows
With feelings
I wish this moment
Could last forever
But soon you’ll wake up
And another day
Will arise
And our short time
Together
Will soon come to an end
I have to go home
And leave you
For how long…I don’t know
Perhaps this time
Will be the last
And I want it to be
Forever
I don’t want to let go
But I have too
I know I do…"

I just wanted to say...

Hello...ok...so I couldn't keep myself from sending him an sms....but it won't count actually since it was a harmless one...I just reminded him about a tv-programme that he likes to watch but very often miss because he can't keep track of time... :) ... so you see it doesn't count really... :)
I was just being a really good friend...a friend that really likes him a lot though...even if it's not really what he wants I still do...and I really hope that I'll get to see him again soon...and talk to him too...and just spend time with him...I want him to hug me....I need that....oh well I guess I just have to wait until he misses me just as much as I miss him...that might never happen though...but I just have to that that risk...
It's weird actually that it seems like I can't write a simple entry without mentioning him...but perhaps that's because he is constantly on my mind...I guess love do that to you...

puss puss p... I love you twice as much tomorrow... :)

Wise things heard on tv...

"Every tick of the clock takes away something..."

Iceage over here...

Damn it feels cold...not even a hug or a kiss goodnight...and he who always say that when we talk.... :( ...so what do you say guys? Is it on its way down? Going back to what it was like before we even met...nothingness...soundless...quiet....I mean since we didn't know each other then of course it was quiet...hahaha.....and now I feel it's going back there...and perhaps I shall just let it happen...I shall try and wait for him to make the next move....I shall try...even if I know it's hard...but I shall try not to send him an sms or contact him on msn or any other way...and then we shall see how long it will take before I hear from him...in worst case it will take weeks....but I hope not...perhaps a week or so...I'll let you know...so starting today I shall keep away from smsing him...even if I want to...because I don't want him to think that i have stopped caring....but perhaps I should...? Oh I don't know...I'm so confused....the only thing I am certain of is how much I really do like this guy and that I will never have him and that hurts like hell....life isn't fair in anyway...not for me...I just wonder something...when will I get a break? When will it be my turn?...When hell freezes over?....probably my best bet...if even then... :(

puss puss p...
Oh why can't you love me?

About Him again...of course...

Well...here I go again...I have more on my mind that needs to get out...but actually it's nothing new really...it's just the same old thoughts about him...and why he can't love me? Oh I know why but still....
And you know what...I am really starting to think that this whole thing was just a spur of the moment...fun right then and there and for a little while...and now it's not so fun anymore...from his side I mean...me, unfortunately, are in it way too deep to easily just walk away...and still perhaps that's just what I need to do....but you see if I shall do that then that means that I have to cut the contact with him all together...and I'm not sure I want to do that....I love his mind and his thinking and our conversations about things too much...but I also like him too much too...and I don't want to hurt him and I know I will do that if I just cut the contact...
Damn...sometimes I get so angry with myself for always falling for the wrong guys...the ones that doesn't want me...why? I don't get it...I mean it doesn't really do much for my self-confident to always get turned down...one think that I should by now be able to sort out those guys and just go after the ones that do want me...that really could love me...that want me to be apart of their lives for as long as possible...a close part...more than just friends...so why can't I then? Why am I so slow? Or am I just so impossible to love that the man upstairs have just given up on me...and just let me walk around with no help whatsoever? Sometimes it sure feels like that...
But then I start to think about me...and I feel that I have so much to give to someone...I know how I am when I really love someone...I could do pretty much anything for them...just because I want to...just because I love them...so why can't people see that then? Ok, so I have met some men that says that they want me...and there's nothing wrong with them...except that they're...not Him...:( ... and so many times I have tried to figure out what it is that I like so much about him...and I can't put a finger on just one thing...I like him...just as he is...it's the feeling I got when I first met him...and the feeling I get everytime I see him...it kind of tingles inside me...*sigh*
Oh well....I guess it is a lost cause anyway...because why would he break up with her to take a chance on me? Even though I would...but I probably know me a little bit better than he knows me...so of course I would...I mean here is a guy...and probably the first one...that I feel that I could move to be with...and that is big for me...because I just don't move for anyone...and absolutely not to a city that is smaller than my city...I could think about moving to Dublin or London that would be fun...but then that would be because I wanted too not because of some guy...but if me and this guy would be together and he asked me to move to him...I would actually...and that is scary....but observe that I said if he and me were together...I wouldn't move as it is right now...just to be closer to him...closer to something that never will happen anyway...no...that would be just plain stupid...so what should I do then?
Damn, it really hurts...inside...and I feel like letting the water run for awhile....but then I will get a headache and a runny nose...so no...I better keep it inside...and besides I don't have anyone here to comfort me anyway so...and isn't that really what you want when you're feeling sad and low....just have someone next to you...hugging you and telling you that everything will be ok...? I know I want that...and I know in who's arms I'd like to be too....because however I put it...in his arms is really the best place to be...it feels so secure and so safe there....and I so wish it would be all mine....just mine...but does life ever turn out as you want it too? Not for me anyway...

puss puss p... damn you must be tired boy...since you've been running through my mind all day... :)

It wasn't...

Ok...I just wanted to let you know that I didn't had tonsillitis....the doctor didn't know what it was so I just have to go around in pain hoping that I will get better soon... :(.... but he did say that I should rest alot and sleep alot...yeah like I have time for that...sometimes what you should do and what is possible aren't always the same thing....
so, hope you all are healthy and well....and not in pain....any sort of pain... :)

I'm sick...for real...

Hey you all...I'm not feeling so good right now "What else is new?" you might think...no but this time I'm sick for real...I have tonsillitis...and it hurts...plus that I'm not feeling so good from other reasons as well..."See..." yeah yeah...you're right...but the main hurting thing is the tonsillitis right now... hahahaha...and you know when one is sick and single one really feels even more single than ever before...because don't we all like someone to take care of things when we are sick? But when you're single you don't have that one there for you....you have to take care of everything yourself...and it's even harder if you're a single mom because then you have to take care of your child/ren too no matter how sick you are...doesn't life really suck? Luckily for me I don't get sick that very often...although I have actually had tonsillitis once this year already...back in January...but before that I can't really remember when I had it the last time...but now I got it again and there's nothing I can do about it really...I have to get some penicillin and hopefully will I get better after that...
But there's no penicillin for the ache in my heart...that one will never go away I believe...it's too deep... :( even if it might get a little bit better it will never go away completely...because I have found the one that matches me...even though he doesn't see it as clearly as I do...but for some people it takes a little bit longer to realise things...and sometimes you even have to give them really obvious hints in order for them to get it at all...but that's ok...I can do that...as long as he gets it in the end...although then it might be too late....but on the other hand....I know that he will never leave his gf...he thinks that she is the best thing for him and that they have a rich life together...but since he has low self-esteem it's hard to make him see that there are other things out there...things that might even be better for him...things like me... :) ...hahaha...nah but really I so would like to get the chance to show him how a life with me would be...sure I'm not saying that it would be all peaches and cream all the time but it wouldn't be hell either...that much I believe in me and I know how I work...and I know a life with me wouldn't be boring...I'm not boring... :) ...see... there's that self-confident that I need so badly...hahaha....it shones through every now and then...
Well well...he will probably never see it my way anyway so...:( ...and now I have to lie down for a moment to rest some before I have to go to the doctor...
So to all of you, hope you'll have a great life with lots of love and I hope you'll never get tonsillitis...bye for now....

oh and...puss puss p... you're in my thoughts every moment there is...

Thoughtful things heard on TV...

"If I don't ask you to be mine I'll regret it for the rest of my life...'cause I know it in my heart that you're the one for me..."

I'm so confused...

I don't know what to feel anymore...I feel sad...sad for being me...sad for the fact that the man I want don't want me...and sad for the fact that I don't really see any other men besides him...sure I talk to them and am as I always am...nice and kind...but I can't give them anything more than my friendship no matter how nice they are back...because I have already lost my heart unfortunately...and yes I say infortunately because it's a lost cause...a dead race...and it's not fair...if it wasn't meant to be why did it happen then?
I talk to him...oh I really love talking to him but sometimes it feels like we run out of words...and that is not fun...it feels like he's actually getting tired of talking to me...I know I know....it's probably not so and if I'd ask him he would say that it's not so but yet it feels like it...and I'm fully aware of the fact that he can't really talk to me whenever he want because of her....but still...and this I probably have said many times before....sending an sms every now and then doesn't take that long....I mean he has to visit the loo sometimes, right? And he doesn't have to write a long sms either...because I know that he doesn't like writing sms...but still...sometimes we have to do things that we don't like and if it's for a good cause then it can't be that bad, can it? I mean, he knows that it really makes me happy to hear from him...just like it did in the beginning when he was really good at staying in touch...and telling me just how much he missed me, and longed for me, and thought about me...he says he does all those things now too...and if that's true...then why can't he just tell me that then? I don't know that he does actually...how can I know really?...he's taken...which means that he probably have feelings for her too....so how can I be sure of the he has feelings for me, really? I need him to tell me that...I have low self-confidence...I do assume the worst in many cases...just because I am so insecure...
Oh honey, why should it hurt so? I thought love should feel wonderful...oh yeah that's right...it does when it mutual...when the one you like - like you back just as much...then it really is wonderful...a bliss...but as for right now...it just hurts... :(

"Please snugglepuff,
Look into your heart
And you will see
Just what I have
Already seen
I just need you
To discover it too
The fact that
You need me and
I need you too

I know it’s true
That it should be
Me and you
Otherwise life
Wouldn’t have
Put me
On your path

I have something
That you need
That I want
You to have
So just open up
And see
That it really
Should be
Just you and me…"

Oh I really do like him more than words can say.... puss puss p...

Wanting to know...

"I just want to know if he's out there...if he loves me..."

Wise things heard on TV...

"Sometimes it takes a leap of faith..."

In the early morning...

Hello....it's in the middle of the night or in the early morning, depending on how you see it... :)...anyway I should be asleep because I have to get up tomorrow and be nice to people...but I just had to get out some of the things I'm thinking of...it's too bad really that the person that should read this never will...he can't have this address because it might fall into the wrong hands so to say...and I don't want that...but he should really need to read this...so that he got to know what goes on inside my mind...perhaps something would change although I don't think so but one can only hope...I wish that I could have such power that for once in my life I would get what I wanted...and need...and I know needs me as well...
Ok...so let's talk about her for a moment...I really don't know her...I barely knows what she looks like and I'm sure she is a nice person...just not the right person...ok ok I know I know....I can't know that since I don't know her....but actually I do know that...since I really feel that I am the right person for him...so how can she be? It's logical...think about it...there is one out there for everyone...and I really think that we are the ones for each other...
What we, me and him, need is to spend time together...to really get to know each other...we do know each other but we need more...and I'd like to have unlimited time with him...I actually do want to go through every mood he can have just so that I can get to know him...I'm not walking on clouds here...I don't go around thinking he is flawless...I know he has his faults as we all do...God knows I have mine...but i like him anyway...with all of his faults...as I hope that he one day will like me with all of mine...but we need time to discover each other and how to solve it if a conflict would arise...I don't know if we ever will get that time...and that is frustrating not knowing....I like him so much that my heart aches...and that can't be good right? I want this man, I want him for the rest of my life...I want to help him and I am positiv to the fact that I actually believe that I would be good for him...I would have a good influence on him and God knows he sure could need some of that right now...he needs me...in more ways than one...and more than he realises too...
I know that I just have to wait and see what happens...but I'm not sure that I want to just sit here and wait...but I can't really date other guys either....not when all I can think of is him...when I compare everyone with him...or to be correct actually...i don't even see anyone else...even if they would be right in front of me I don't see them because all I see is him...love can really be a curse sometimes...and a bliss other times...it really is a fine line between love and hate...
Well to all you out there who are lucky enough to have found someone...hang on to him/her.....don't let them go and enjoy love and all that comes with it...i just wish I could be one of those people...

puss puss p... I like you more than I can say...

Dear God...

"If you can hear me now...
Please grant me a wish...
I wish him to be free...
Free to choose me!
Is that wrong of me God?
To wish for such a thing?
To wish for happieness?
To wish for a little light at the end of the tunnel?
To wish for something for myself?
For something that could make me happy?
Is that so wrong, dear God?
I just want to be happy...
and I know I would be happy
with him...
So is it so wrong to wish for it then?
I can't say that I think it is...
I just want to be loved,
dear God...
just to be loved..."

Is it true...?

"When you feel it...you know..."

Sms + phone call = me happy...

Hello...today I feel a little bit happier than I did just a few days ago...and why is that? you might ask...well today I got to talk to him...he called me...it feels so good when he does that...plus the fact that he actually sent me an sms too...just a small one but that is all it takes...because just sending it let's me know that he think about me...if only he got that too...
Because when I don't hear anything from him it really feels like he doesn't think of me anymore....I know, I know...it's stupid to think like that...especially since I know that he still like me and that he do think about me and that he want to see me again...
Today on the phone we talked about our situation...me, him and her...and that it's not an idyllic one...and then I said that I don't really know what we can do about it but then I changed my mind...because I do know what we can do about it...and it's quite simple too...he just need to leave her...it's as simple as that...but of course i couldn't tell him that...I wanted to and I will but in another way...hopefully will he come to that conclusion on his own...(with just a little help from me)...hopefully will he realise that he would have a fuller and richer life with me and do the right thing...I know it's not nice to think like that...but hey this is my blog...I can think and say what I want...and I truly believe that he would be better off with me... :)... but I'm not God...I can only pray and hope that I'll be heard and that he will get it...soon...because as much as I like him...and I do like him alot...I can not wait forever...I'm not getting any younger and I do want to have a family and more children...and unfortunately if he can't see that I'd rather spend the rest of my life with him than with anyone else then I just have to find someone else anyway...that's life I guess...and life do really suck sometimes...oh I just wish that he could love me...because everyone needs to be loved...even me...

"I want to be near you
I want to touch you
All the time
You don’t want to
I know I can be a bit
Clingy
But I like you so much
I just want you more and more
I want you to touch me
I want you to want me
I want you to desire me
All the time
I need to feel it
I want you to be
Free
Free to choose me…"

puss puss p... and sweet dreams...

A question from you to me...

"And you thought if I saw you vulnerable, needing me...I'd run...? "

True things heard on TV...

"Don't use your brain so much, sweety...you have other organs that can give you far more pleasure..." ;)

Think about it...

"We're just having a fling, don't get carried away..."
"When you can't stop thinking of someone when they're not around, that's not a fling.
When you rememeber their touch, just like they were still right next to you, that's not a fling.
If you need to be alone with this...fine.
But we both know what we have..."

A quote...from Mae West

"Too much of a good thing...can be wonderful!"

Wise things heard on TV...

"If he doesn't want me...it's his loss!"

I wish I could...

"I wish I could
Stop
Stop everything
To just lock up
The feelings
In a little blue box
And throw away
The key
Never to open
The box again
Just stop…"

Life sucks...

Ojojoj....life really sucks sometimes...or at least it feels like it...when the one you really really like don't say a word to you for ages or so it seems...well actually it's just like a day or so...but in the land of love that's forever...hahaha...so here I go again feeling unwanted, unloved and unthinkable (meaning he doesn't think of me...hahaha) ...well it really sucks being me...and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone...sure I've had my moments but honestly the bad moments are far more...unfortunately...so of course I wonder...why me? What have I done to deserve this? Was I too slow when they handed out the good lives or what? I didn't run as fast as the others...sigh...it sure feels like it...and you know what...up until about 4 months ago everything went along fine...sure I felt lonely and so but I could handle it...but then I met this man and everything changed...it's not like he didn't bring some light into my life because he did...perhaps too much...I feel so good in his company...it is almost scary actually...I haven't felt so good with anyone...and yet he can't be mine...and he probably never will either....he will never leave his gf...I know this even if he have never said it straight out, I still know...but you know one thing....this is one thing that I more than gladly wouldn't mind being wrong about...but since I'm rarely wrong about things (hahaha) that wouldn't be very likely...so this is my life...feeling sad and blue...being without him...I guess I just have to accept it...but I don't want too...I want to fight..but I don't really know how too...it's just not that he's already taken he has to be so very far away from me too which makes it even harder...so I was thinking...ok so I stop sending him sms and let him make the move and contact me...just to realise I can't wait that long...oh man how it hurts...why?? I don't understand...

"This doesn’t work
Anymore
I like him
I do
And perhaps
He likes me too
But still
There’s something
In between
A love he feels
For someone else
A love I cannot have
And honestly believe
I never will
It feels sad
It hurts
Because of all
The feelings
I have
That will never
Be returned…"

Oh please just send me a little sms to say that you miss me, or think of me och long for me...well anything really...please...(aren't I pathetic so say?)...

puss puss p...

Wise things heard on TV...

"If you let moments slip away...then they're lost forever..."

Not a word...

"I’m sad
I feel low
Why should it
Be so?
It’s because
You don’t say
A word
Not an sms
Not a phone call
Nothing
I feel
Rejected
I know I shouldn’t
And it’s probably
Not even so
I just want you to know
That’s how it feels
When you don’t
Say a word..."

Water falls...

Today have been a weird day…I have realised though that I am depressed which is not so good…and I’m bursting with feelings that should come out…but they wont because I wont let them…I can’t let them out…I want to tell Him how I feel…but would that change anything? Would he leave her then? I don’t think so…and now it’s even worse…it feels like something have happened that have driven a wedge in between us…he feels so distant like as if he have gotten tired of me…which he might as well could have…and that hurts…so why should I pour my heart out to him then and risk to get even more hurt?
Or should I lay all my cards on the table? And tell him just how much he means to me? How he makes me feel when we are together? Tell him that I have never had these strong feelings before? I can’t…I’m afraid to be so vulnerable…I’m alone and I have to be strong…I can’t let my guard down…even if I am bursting inside…
Ok…so now I guess I just need to turn on the water and let it all out for awhile…I’m alone so I can do that…


"I don’t think that I will win this

I’d like to think I will
But honestly I don’t

I think I’ve lost my heart to someone
Who cannot care
Who cannot be there

So why do I do such a stupid thing then?
When I knew from the start
That I couldn’t have his heart
Not completely anyway

I don’t know how this could happen
I don’t understand it
I’m not usually like this
I don’t give it away so easily
I’m too scared to get hurt

I don’t want to get hurt
But I will
Sooner or later
Yes I know this
Because it’s me who is the loser in this
I really don’t think that I will win this

That’s why I get so mad
At myself
For letting myself feel
All these feelings
Why couldn’t I just keep my heart closed?
Like I have done for a long time
Why did I have to let him in?

Everyone knows
How hard it feels
To love someone
That cannot be yours
To feel that feeling of
Hopelessness
And to know that
Nothing will ever change..."

puss puss p...gud vad jag tycker om dig...

Dear snugglepuff...

"Oh snugglepuff,
I like you so much
I really do
And I think I always
Will too
So never think
Whatever I do
However I act
That I don’t care
For you
Because I do
I will never get
Tired of you
And leave
If you ever gave me
The chance to prove it
But right now
The situation is different
And I think
It’s for both our bests
That I slowly fade away
To let you live your life
With whom you choose to
And without interference…

What do you want
Snugglepuff?
What do you want
Me for?
To just be friends with…
Forever?
Never to touch?
Never to kiss or hug?
Ever again?
Is that the solution?
Never to meet again
Because to meet is
To stir up feelings
To stir up the wanting
The needing for
Touching…

So snugglepuff,
How do you want
It to be?
What do you
Want from me?
What can I do
To make you see
That all that
You want is me?
How can I
Compete with the
Old and familiar
When I symbolize the
New and unknown?
How on earth can
I win this?
Please tell me
I want to know…
I need to know…"

I'm back...

I’m back…and I think I’m feeling a bit depressed actually…I can’t stop thinking about food and goes out into the kitchen ever so often to see if there is anything in there to eat…but there isn’t…I have some candy but it’s not so appealing actually…I want something else…what I just don’t know…anyway…
This weekend have made me see that liking someone as much as I do is not easy to do…especially if that love cannot be returned, not completely anyway…and it hurts actually…I have been home for 2 days now and he hasn’t called me yet…that rejected feeling is starting to come over me again…I know I know…I’m being stupid but who said that you’re rational when you are in love?
Anyway…I did produce some short poem-like texts this weekend but they’re all pretty grey and sad…I have come to realise that perhaps the best thing to do is actually to give up…to just let him go and try to find someone else…someone that is free to love me…
So…here will follow a few short texts on how confused I am and how it hurts and so on…overall my confused thoughts and all the heartache I feel… hahaha

"So hard, so hard
This parting will be
But I think it’s for
The best for me
I have so many feelings
And it hurts so
And the feelings
Gets more and more
Each day

I don’t want to hurt you
I want to see you
Meet you
Talk to you
I want to love you
But you make it
Hard for me
I can’t understand
Why I have to be
Alone
Was this the meaning
With my life?
To get a taste of
How wonderful it
Could be
But never have it
Completely?
Where’s the fairness
In that?

So, I think
I have to go
I don’t want to
My heart screams
“NO!!!”
But my head says
“It’s for the best…
Leave him alone
And let him live his life…”
It sounds right
But why does it
Hurt so then?"

"I want to be near you
I like you
I want to touch you
I like you
I want to be touched by you
I like you
I want you to want me
As much as I want you
I like you

And all this is
Tearing on me
Not knowing where
I got you
And knowing only
That when you’re
Not with me
You’re with her…"

"What am I doing?
How can it feel
So right
And so wrong
At the same time?
Why do I feel
Like I want
To cry
So very often?
I’m jealous
Of everyone
That has someone
I want one too
I want to be loved
To be the
Only one…"

"I’m confused
I don’t know
What to do
I don’t know
What to say
How to act
I want to tell
You so much
All what I feel
But I’m afraid
I’ll push you away
Sometimes that
Can happen
Believe me I know
Unfortunately…"

"I need to let go
I know I do
But it’s so hard
When all I want
Is you
I’m more in to you
Than I’ll admit
And in a situation
Like this
That’s no good
Anytime else it
Would have been
Great
But now…
No…
So that’s why
I have to let
Go…"